It’s one of those contemplative afternoons. So here goes.
I guess the reason I’m writing this is because over the years I’ve made a few choices.
First of all, I’ve chosen to believe you really are real. As sure as I’m looking at a computer in front of me, that’s how sure I believe you exist. Can I see you like I can the screen? No. But if I had to see everything I believe in, I think that world would be uncomfortably small. Can I prove you? Well, part of me thinks that may be a faulty question. Of course I want to be ready with an answer to support my faith, but isn’t proof ultimately your job?
I’ve also chosen to believe you know me. Not just recognize who I am, but really know me. The parts I’m happy (and prefer) for you to see. And, those other parts. Good or not, consistent or haphazard, hidden or obvious, I believe you notice it all. Everything that makes me, me.
So, assuming that all of this is true, you know that there are more than just a few days when the tempo of my progress in life is slower than I think it should be. Frustratingly slower than I want it to be. And undoubtedly slower than I think you think it should be.
You also know I have questions. More than one or two. Questions about things that I can’t understand, things I really wish were different, and things that stick to my mind like mental Velcro. All of them, things and thoughts never more than a moment away.
And, if I’m being completely honest, when all this gets mixed together, there are times that I’m waiting for you to lower the boom. But then I remember that’d be out of character for you. Not that you don’t judge wrong and hate evil, but you have so much mercy on people who want to be the kind of person you want. I give you the credit for giving that kind of desire. And if I’m right about this, I think your preference is to give another chance, instead of pounding away at someone who inside wants to put a smile on your face but whose execution at times falls woefully short. From someone who’s not pounded on, thanks.
I don’t think you would, but it’s important for you to hear me say this…don’t give up on me.
I’ve got such a long way to go, much farther than many realize, but I’m determined with your help to keep moving in the right direction. I’m not excusing it, but I probably will continue to fall occasionally. But when I do I’m going to get back up. Don’t let me get comfortable falling short, but also please keep extending mercy when I do.
Ultimately, I believe your acceptance of me isn’t based on my performance or how well I have everything together, because if it was or is, hope and Todd would be forever strangers.
But I choose to believe today something that I first believed a long time ago. What you’ve already done in your plan to bring the whole world back to yourself, that plan, not my effort, is enough to make me right.
Thanks for the chance to believe this.
If it’s all bunk, I guess I’ve wasted my time.
But if it’s as true as I think it is, let’s talk more about it face-to-face one day. I’m looking forward to that.